I can make a computer bend to my will, I can make MS Excel obey my every command, I speak in several computer languages, BUT, my kingdom for a stapler that works every time! Staplers are my office nemesis, invented in 1866 by a man, for the sole purpose to taunt me. Interestingly enough the staple remover was not invented until 1930’s, patented by a man, but I’m sure a woman had something to do with it.
It’s now 2018 and staplers come in all sizes and shapes, but not much has changed. From the little pocket size staplers to industrial monsters, from looks that have not changed in 100 years to stiletto shaped staplers, still, they taunt me.
For a short time I thought I found the Holy Grail. A stapler I liked. It was one of those ones that stand on their nose, gray in color, nothing extra. It worked almost every time and we had a good relationship. But in the end, it to, taunted me.
One day it stopped working so I opened it to see that it only had a three or four staple stack left in it. When I went to dump them out and give it a refill the stack would not just fall out of the device, so I put my fingernail under it to loosen it up. As soon as I touched the stack it flipped on it’s side and dropped into the firing chamber.
Just like that! It became the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered stapler you ever set eyes on! The Stapler of Caerbannog. The little stack of staples jammed sideways in the firing chamber, I could not shake them loose, pry them loose, or curse them loose. I closed the stapler to try to push it a bit, hoping to even out how it was laying in the chamber. When I tried to open it, the beast was jammed shut. I hit it a few times on the desk then tried again. Still no luck. I gave it a strong pull, and in an instant, like a stubborn bag of potato chips, the stapler opened and all the innards flew out into the air! For one brief moment, I saw all the springs and fasteners silhouetted against the lights of the office window, and then they were gone. I swear I heard the stapler say “Your Mother was a Hamster, and your Father smelt of Elderberries! Now go away or I will taunt you a second time.”
I gathered all the pieces-parts from the desk, floor, and my lap and put it aside for the day.
Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!!”
The next day I tried to put it back together but all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put that little sucker back together again, so I tossed it into the garbage. I heard a small voice come from the can “All right, we’ll call it a draw.”
I’m still searching for the perfect stapler. If you hear a woman’s voice at you local office supply shop asking “What is the airspeed velocity of an broken stapler?” That’s just me, on my Quest for the Holy Grail of Staplers.